黄村三日游，我差点被松鼠告上法庭

朋友们，我是你们的老王，今天要讲的是我在黄山脚下黄村的奇幻经历——三天里，我不仅被千年古树"碰瓷"，遭松鼠"抢劫"，还差点因为一盆臭鳜鱼被客栈老板扣下当女婿，准备好瓜子汽水,且听我慢慢道来。

第一天刚进村，我就被村口的"迎客松"来了个下马威，这棵八百岁的老树斜着身子往路中间探，活像个碰瓷专业户，我正举着自拍杆凹造型呢，突然树梢哗啦一抖，吓得我差点行跪拜大礼，定睛一看，嚯！满树肥嘟嘟的松鼠正冲我挥爪子，敢情刚才那是它们在集体跳广场舞，更绝的是树下立着块木牌："古树有灵，合影五元"，我正嘀咕这是不是景区新套路，旁边晒太阳的大爷悠悠飘来一句："扫码支付还能听松树讲评书。"得,连古树都搞起知识付费了！

第二天爬山堪称动物世界真人秀，半道掏出火腿肠，树杈上瞬间亮起十几双小眼睛，我还没来得及撕包装，一只尾巴蓬松似鸡毛掸子的松鼠"嗖"地掠过头顶，精准叼走整根肠，这厮得手后居然蹲在岩石上冲我作揖，活脱脱峨眉山猴子的远房表亲，更绝的是当我掏出第二根肠准备扳回一城时，这小家伙转身撅屁股对我放了串"松果炸弹"——敢情这是嫌贡品不够档次啊！

要说黄村美食，臭鳜鱼必须拥有姓名，这道用盐腌出发酵的硬核料理，味道堪比生化武器，入口却鲜得能让人把舌头吞下去，我在"老灶头"客栈连吃三天后，老板娘看我的眼神逐渐危险："小伙子这么爱吃，干脆留下给我闺女当倒插门吧？"吓得我赶紧往嘴里塞了两块毛豆腐压惊——结果发现豆腐里的绒毛居然会动！敢情这是现摘现做的"活体毛豆腐"？

最魔幻的当属第三天清晨，我循着鸡鸣摸黑去拍晨雾，结果在迷宫般的青石板巷里成功把自己走丢，正对着墙角的苔藓研究第108种绿时，头顶木窗"吱呀"推开，裹着头巾的大妈甩下根晾衣杆："后生仔，要喝新炒的太平猴魁不？"我就这么莫名其妙被拎上人家阁楼，就着晨光喝了三泡茶，临走还揣了包野山核桃——代价是帮大妈注册了抖音账号。

夜幕降临时分，村口的晒秋场秒变露天迪厅，75岁的篾匠张爷爷踩着竹编滑板炫技，穿汉服的小姐姐们举着辣椒串跳街舞，连屋檐下的腊肉都在晚风里荡秋千，我抱着桂花米酒蹲在墙根，看星空在徽派马头墙上流淌，突然顿悟：所谓世外桃源,大概就是让手机自动关机的地方。

三天下来，我的运动步数天天破三万，相机内存卡拍到罢工，微信里多了十几个非要给我说媒的阿姨，临别时村口古树又抖了抖枝丫，这回我算是看明白了——它分明是在扫码收款！

【全文英译】

Title: "Three Days in Huang Village: I Almost Got Sued by a Squirrel"

Text:

Friends, it's your old pal Wang. Today I'm sharing my surreal experience at Huang Village beneath Huangshan Mountain—in three days, I was "extorted" by a thousand-year-old tree, "robbed" by squirrels, and nearly forced to become a son-in-law at a local inn because of a stinky mandarin fish dish. Grab your snacks and let me spin this tale.

On the first day, the village's "Welcoming Pine" gave me a shock. This 800-year-old tree leans over the path like a professional insurance scammer. As I posed with my selfie stick, the branches suddenly rustled, nearly making me kneel in worship. Turned out a troop of chubby squirrels were doing synchronized dancing. The kicker? A sign reading "Ancient tree spirit, 5 yuan per photo." When I muttered about tourist traps, a nearby grandpa drawled, "Scan the QR code and the pine will tell you a story." Even trees are doing knowledge payments now!

The mountain hike on day two felt like a wildlife reality show. The moment I pulled out a sausage, a dozen beady eyes lit up in the trees. Before I could unwrap it, a squirrel with a tail like a feather duster swooped overhead, snatching the entire sausage. The thief then bowed to me from a rock, channeling its monkey cousins from Emei Mountain. When I tried to redeem myself with a second sausage, it bombarded me with pine cones—apparently my offering wasn't premium enough!

The infamous stinky mandarin fish deserves its reputation. This fermented dish smells like biological warfare but tastes divine. After three days of feasting at "Old Hearth" inn, the老板娘's gaze turned dangerous: "Young man loves our food so much, why not marry my daughter?" I hastily stuffed my mouth with hairy tofu—only to discover the hairs were still moving! Talk about fresh ingredients!

The true magic happened at dawn on day three. Following rooster crows to photograph morning mist, I got lost in the stone maze. As I studied moss shades, a headscarved auntie lowered a clothes pole from above: "Young man, want some fresh Taiping Houkui tea?" I found myself hauled into her attic, drinking three rounds of tea by sunrise, leaving with wild walnuts—in exchange for setting up her Douyin account.

At nightfall, the drying field transformed into an open-air disco. Seventy-five-year-old bamboo craftsman Grandpa Zhang shredded on a skateboard, hanfu-clad girls danced with chili garlands, even the cured meats swayed in the breeze. Sipping osmanthus wine by a wall, watching stars flow over Hui-style rooftops, I realized: paradise is where phones die naturally.

Three days later, my step count broke 30k daily, my camera memory died, and my WeChat gained a dozen matchmaking aunties. As I left, the ancient pine rustled again—this time I understood perfectly: it was shaking its digital payment QR code!